Cheap and Cheerful

I spent an odd Christmas this year.  It was the first Christmas I'd spent without both Dean and my family, and both my roommate and my only other close friend are still out of town visiting their families.  As it turned out, I ended up at a nearby bar with a co-worker on Christmas Eve.  It was 7 PM and the place was pretty sad--dark, a few huddled figures at the bar, and dozens of empty tables.  We each had one drink before I stupidly mentioned the all-you-can-drink beer and soju joint right next door.  Enthused, my co-worker managed to convince me to check it out with him.

It was a mistake.  My limit is usually one bottle of soju and that's it.  But that night, I had a strong cocktail at the first bar, then a beer, then one and a half bottles of soju.  I don't even really remember what we talked about--our families, friends, tv shows, work--and I don't even remember walking to a coffee shop after or then walking home, but I know it happened.  I completely passed out when I got home, and the next day, I couldn't get out of bed for several hours.

He's a nice guy, my co-worker.  Well, kind of.  Sarcastic. Dead-pan.  Blunt.  But underneath it all, he's respectful and considerate.  A Korean son.

We hadn't really talked much at work for the last three months.  We'd exchange some pleasantries ("this company is going to fucking kill me") on the roof during a smoke break.  I'd wave if we passed in the halls.  It wasn't until the Christmas party last week that we started talking.  He came up to me at the bar and started chatting.  I was drunk.  He was friendly.  We went and got Korean after to sober up.  After that, we still didn't talk at the office.  And then, somehow--I really don't remember--I ended up inviting him to a bar when I was out with my roommate.  And after that, we've talked every day.  We're friends, but we're secret friends.  It's ridiculous.  It's childish.  But neither of us want to start chatting it up at the office, because I know how this office works and it's a fucking gossip mill from hell.  So we ignore each other at work and text at night.  It's uncomfortable and strange.

I want friends, but this relationship already seems like it's off on the wrong foot.

Buried

The last post I had was pretty depressing, but as I was in a "very dark place" at the time, it was fitting.

I'm going to be getting a divorce in the upcoming months, and even saying those words still sound insane to me.  But it's happening and I am just trying to move forward with it.

I had to take a few days off work once I discovered the truth.  My sister immediately flew out and after she left, my mom took her place for two weeks.  Letters and gifts poured in from relatives and friends, and it took me off guard.  You get cards for Christmas, birthdays, and graduations.  But I wasn't expecting this kind of thing at all.  And it really hit me hard what an amazing family and group of friends that I have.

It took me a few weeks, but I jumped back into work as best as I could.  I still screw up on what feels like a daily basis.  After being that person in my district who seemed to know everything, this feeling of utter inadequacy is crushing.  I want to do better, I want to prove that I'm not a total waste to the team, but I just can't seem to get things right anymore.  There is always a hesitation, always a growing shadow of a doubt.

But I can't say that everything is bad.  My former roommate from college moved in with me a month ago.  She's moving back to NYC at the end of January, but it's been amazing getting to live with one of my best friends again.   In Maryland, I did feel isolated--I didn't have close friends to hang out with on the weekends and I was a workaholic.  Now, I love being able to come home at the end of the day so we can pour two glasses of wine, bitch about work, and then just talk.

And my company's Christmas party was last night, which was a pretty good time.  Taking someone's wise advice, I had a few drinks at my apartment before I left, so when I got to the place, I already had a buzz.  I proceeded to have a handful of vodka tonics while talking at the bar.  But there were weird moments, as well.  You're having a smoke on the balcony and some guy puts his jacket over you when he realizes you're cold.  Or you let someone order your drink.  It's stupid little things, but they are things that no one other than Dean has done for me in years.  I never let it happen--I always made it clear when I went out that I was in a relationship.  Not in a bitchy, upfront way, but conversationally.  But now...I'm just seen as a single girl.

One of my co-workers on the other side of the office went through a massive break up during the same week as me.  I didn't know him very well at all, but now, we take ten minute breaks on the roof and talk about how we're dealing with things.  Ten minute therapy sessions.  This is my life right now.

I don't feel like writing anymore.  I should cook dinner or finish up some online Christmas shopping.

Night, all.